10 Tips on how to deal with pet loss

[palehorse]

10 Tips on how to deal with pet loss

Loosing a pet is very much like loosing a "human" loved one, and sometimes it is actually more intense. I myself have recently lost my Schnauzer of 9 years to lymphoma cancer, and strangely enough, it hit me much harder then my Father's death! I loved my father too... But a pet's love is much different, a complete other side to your soul, a basic but strong bond... In my case it was like she was my child, my "little girl", as I would call her. When I lost my sweet Bitsy I felt a deep hurt that I had never before felt in my life, (and I am in my late 40s too). I have suffered loss before, but not like this.. it never impacted me like this before, never... The dogs I grew up with hurt me when they passed, but not like this, not even close... Why? I don't know.. really,.. the bond that we shared was very strong, unusual I guess... I protected her from harm, NEVER let her outside without a leash, always worried over her health, diet, everything. I pampered her and loved her. She slept on a pillow beside my head nearly every night of her life..

Bitsy was my "peace" in this world, she was my best friend and she returned my love with an unmistakable, strong loyalty and devotion that anyone who knew us could sense immediately, and has been observed frequently. The details of her fight with lymphoma cancer are in my signature, so I will not go over it again. When Bitsy passed it was literally the worst day of my life. The pain still haunts me. But I do not regret our time together, even though the pain is strong, it was worth it. The old saying of: "It's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all." Plays in my head sometimes, forcing me to stop feeling so sad, but instead, think of, and remember the good times, I play them in my mind sometimes with my eyes closed... But the bed is empty where she sleeps, the stuffed toys (her babies) are safe from being mauled, the sound of the doorbell no longer inspires urgent, excited barking...

1. Are we silly or crazy to grieve so strongly?

No we are not. It is a human response, to a very real emotion. It goes beyond social acceptance, it steams from our very core, our instincts to love and embrace that which is good in the world. Do not be swayed by anyone implying you are "weak or sentimental" or any other negative detraction, it is normal and expected to grieve when you loose someone you love, even if they have four feet.

2. What can I expect? How will I feel?

A valid question to ask yourself. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Besides your sadness and sense of loss, you may experience the following emotions as well:

• Fear - You may experience a "raw" fear, a fear of *permanently* loosing something very dear to you. A sort of panic sets in sometimes, like a chapter of your life, an important one, has just ended, and you are totally powerless to do anything about it, a very vulnerable feeling. A sad feeling like if this is for real, then rest of my life is profoundly changed forever... Irreversibility..
• Denial - Some days you wake up thinking nothing has changed, you don't take up the bed, leave the food out, change the water, (wonder briefly why the water is and food is not diminishing). Waking in the morning and being puzzled not feeling your companion by your side...
• Guilt - Did I do the right things? Fast enough? Did I spend as much time with her as I should have? Should I have more closely monitored and researched her treatment? Did I let her go too soon??? These things can haunt you...
• Anger - It's not hard to shift blame. Consider one doctor more competent then the other. Blame the kennel or the handlers, even yourself... Anger at God and "life the universe and everything", is common.
• Depression - This can hit you hard. Life was great, birds were "singing" (so to speak), everything was "right" in the world when your baby was there. Now however, things are different in a bad way, a very *mortal* way... Everything seems so fragile now, so temporary, dark thoughts and bad dreams are common as well as listlessness... This will pass, it is part of the grieving process.

All of the above is temporary. It is healthy to experience these things, no matter how hard they hurt, but it is NOT healthy to dwell indefinitely on these things. You cannot undo death. You too will also pass away. A portion, however small, of your grief steams from your own instinctive fear of death. All life is precious. Intelligence is not a valid indicator of worthiness for respect.

3. What can I do about my feelings?

Don't feel guilty about feeling bad. Someone you loved has died. All creatures are "lives" in my opinion, ALL lives are precious. What you experienced was a real loss, like a family member, and can never truly be replaced. You WILL have several different feelings. (listed above). Only thing you can do is ride it out. What makes is easier for me is remembering the good times exclusively. I refuse to remember any "scolding" or negative memory. I make it my going to sleep "story" I play in my mind at night to help me sleep.

Rejoicing that your baby lives on in your memory, knowing that you did a great service to a needy soul, realizing this does wonders making you feel better, and cope with your loss.

4. Who can I talk to?

Everyone. You would be surprised as to how many people will relate to you. This very message board is a great place. It is a very real and human experience to loose someone we love, no matter the species. And DO talk to people. Nearly everyone has a "pet loss" story, and many love the chance to honor their departed by talking about them. So talk. Talk to anyone. It does help.

5. When is the right time to say goodbye to your baby?

You are the number one authority on your pet's quality of life. Your Veterinarian however, is the best judge of it's health. Together with your Veterinarian, determine if it is "time". Most vets are *very* humane and will do their best to properly advise you, but they will not take matters into their own hands, the decision is ultimately yours to make. Some animals, including dogs and cats, will *hide* their pain. Pain and suffering is considered a weakness by other animals and it is their instinct to suppress it as much as possible. A dog or cat may display some sense of normalcy, doing things like playing occasionally, seeking out their owner for affection, many of the things that *normal* pets would do, but inside could be a very different story...

If your pet *must* undergo constant painful treatment, and sees a rapidly deteriorating condition, the time is near. Also consider the pet's age. An old pet will not only suffer from the illness it currently has, but will also suffer the effects of aging. A thing like cancer, compounded with arthritis, weak joints, poor digestion, eyesight, energy etc etc, can make it's life a hell on earth. You, as it's loving parent, protector and guardian, must make the tough decisions, remember, your pet cannot speak for itself, it relies on you.

Do *not* be selfish. Be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself, if the shoe was on the other foot, if *you* were old, ill and mute... unable to speak for yourself, would you want to continue with life in it's present condition?

There is nothing you can do that is more loving for your pet then putting it in the hands of God and saying goodbye when it is time to do so. I would suggest that you make sure that you have exhausted all possible means of treatment AND your Veterinarian agrees with your decision. If you can treat it, but the treatment is expensive, find a way. Find a way, or it will haunt you.

Our pets are like children that never grow up, and never stop loving you. They are a life form as valuable in the grand scheme of things as you and I are. Treat them with the respect that is their birth right.

6. Should I be present during the euthanasia?

If you can pull this off without going nuts and crying your heart out then yes. But if you feel you will be torn apart, that you might *loose it* then do NOT. They won't know "why" you are upset, they may feel they did something wrong and are about to be punished. Or you may just simply upset it from an emotional point of view. Animals are empathic to an extent, and will sometimes "share" your pain. The last moments of your pet's life are just that, "their" moments, not "yours". Most often the assistant to the Veterinarian, or the Veterinarian themselves, will comfort your pet in ways that you could not due to your pain.

When I had to have Bitsy, my schnauzer of nine years, put down, I went nuts. I was driving, talking on the cell phone for the hundredth time it seemed, with the Veterinarian about what to do next. He explained to me, as he had before, that it was "time"... I nearly wreaked my truck moments after I agreed when it hit me like a ton of bricks what I had actually consented to do... I was on my way to be with Bitsy during the euthanasia, but I had to stop, turn around and work my way home through my grief and avoid crashing into something. I was in no shape whatsoever to say goodbye, and I thank God, for Bitsy's sake, that I had the common sense to realize this.

The nurse/assistant told me at a later date that she "showered" Bitsy with hugs and kisses, and that she died peacefully in her arms. I was never more thankful for the compassion of another human being as I was for her that day. I find it hard to write this, even now, months after Bitsy left me. No way I could have been present without rattling Bitsy. Being there would have been a truly selfish act.

If you have the strength and presence of mind to be there for your pet objectively, without upsetting it, then you have my undying respect, you are a much stronger person then me. If you are truly capable of being there without upsetting your pet, then by all means do it. If you make the decision to be there, be mindful of the fact it is "their" final moment, make it a good one, not one of fear and confusion.

7. Do we bury our pets? How do we handle the remains.

Handling your pet's remains is a personal decision. There are several options. You can retrieve the pet and bury it, but this can be VERY stressful and traumatic. Handling your pet's body is unnerving and you really don't want that memory in your head the rest of your life. (just my opinion). Sometimes the Veterinarian's office will dispose of your pet for you. I would not be too quick to do this either as it might make you feel guilty. We don't do this with people, and we treat our pet's like people, so there may be some inner conflict. I chose to let the Veterinarian's office handle the cremation of Bitsy. She sits in an urn in my office with a nice little brass plate, and her poem "Rainbow Bridge" beside her. This method of disposal gave me the most closure and peace.

A funeral ceremony is used sometimes (we did not do this), it can be a nice thing if several people loved the pet too. Also consider a pet cemetery, these provide a sense of dignity and permanence that may even be a better choice then the one I made with the urn.

Most importantly, take your time and make a decision based now on "your" emotional needs. Your pet is now on the other side waiting to see you again some day, and is most likely not even remotely concerned with how you deal with their body. Do what "you" think will give "you" the most comfort.

8. What should I tell my children?

A pet is a perfect way to not only teach your children about compassion and love, but also about death and dying, the mortality of life. Tell your children as compassionately as possible, the truth. Let them come to grips with not only the grief of the loss, but also the realization that we all must one day pass through that gate known as death. I do not recommend telling them it was put to sleep, or "gone away" or any such lie as this.

Your children will respect you more when they are grown an reflect back on this, if you give them the chance to deal with life as it really is, not sugar coated fantasy. I am not saying be "brutal" about it, no, be truthful, but caring in your explanation.

9. Will my other pets grieve?

Short answer, "yes". Pet's bond with one another, even dog to cat. Though they may not "know" the other pet is deceased, it "will" notice one less set of footsteps in the house, it will wonder where the other has gone and wait patiently for their return. When they fail to return, they will worry and miss their companion. Be sure to show your surviving pets affection and attention. They need comforting too.

10. Should I get a new pet right away?

I do not recommend it. Think of it like this, if your child died would you immediately go out and adopt? Most of us would not. Take some time to come to terms with your loss, grief is not something easily dismissed or negated. Be fair to your new would-be pet and let some time pass. I also caution against getting the "same" breed. It just would simply "look" too much like your lost companion. You may find yourself saying things you said to your lost pet, you may even accidentally call it the deceased pet's name...

Give yourself time, but DO get back on the horse. It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all, and that is not just a cliche, it is the truth.

[Tucker'sMom]

VERY nice article...I found myself in tears as I read it. The pain is all too recent for me.
One point I would like to elaborate on...I had Tucker cremated and he now sits on top of the TV in the family room where we spent most of our time together. My Veterinarian just recently teamed up with a funeral home to provide cremation services for pets. My husband was very upset (as we all were) by Tucker's passing, in March, with snow on the ground here, I could not put my husband through handling him, so we had him cremated. I would highly recommend it! I got Tucker's ashes back 1 week after he passed. I think I would have just put the box away for a little while before displaying it, but I put it out right away, and I take comfort in the fact that I can take him with me everywhere I go. My husband and I would like to spend time traveling after retirement, and I would feel guilty selling the house if Tucker was buried here. Now wherever I go, he goes. It gives me great comfort to know he will always be with me...in ashes, and in my mind.

[palehorse]

feel guilty selling the house if Tucker was buried here

Thanks for the kind words. The above is the main reason for creamation. It is very hard to leave pets behind.

[latergatorj]

Your ten steps... made me cry so hard.

Having my sister's kitty, has been difficult for me. She just does things that make me miss Abby. I don't like it.

I found this song that I love.
The lyrics from Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On" just seem appropriate:

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
and spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.

Near, Far,
wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.

Once more, you opened the door
And you're here in my heart,
and my heart will go on and on.

Love can touch us one time
and last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone.

Love was when I loved you,
one true time to hold on to
In my life we'll always go on.

Near, far,
wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.

Once more, you opened the door
And you're here in my heart,
and my heart will go on and on.

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on.
We'll stay, forever this way
You are safe in my heart

and my heart will go on and on.

[palehorse]

Great song!

My daughter loves that movie and saw it dozens of times. I think of her when I hear it. Now that you mention it, it can apply to any loss of a loved one.

Great meaning and heart.

A song that touched me deep, not so much for the lyrics, though they are good, but the depth and feel put into it, that song is "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan.

That song (Angel) was the song I first heard when my Father died. The timing of me hearing it was incredible! I was driving back to Florida from Maryland, was very tired, thinking of him, when it played on the radio. That was a profound moment for me.

I also think of Bitsy when I hear it.

The lyrics, though meaningful, are vauge to me in some ways. It is the delivery of the song that makes it special.:

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

[latergatorj]

Thank you. I actually found the song by accident, not from watching Titanic, but I have seen it, I liked finding all of the mistakes from the computer generated aspect. :-) Was that maybe one of the reasons your daughter enjoyed it?

I like your song too. I agree, some of the lines are vague to me, but the feeling rings true even with those lines... it lets you interpret them however best fits your situation. Thank you for sharing.

I wonder what made the composers write what they did.

[palehorse]

Originally Posted by latergatorj

Thank you. I actually found the song by accident, not from watching Titanic, but I have seen it, I liked finding all of the mistakes from the computer generated aspect. :-) Was that maybe one of the reasons your daughter enjoyed it?

I like your song too. I agree, some of the lines are vague to me, but the feeling rings true even with those lines... it lets you interpret them however best fits your situation. Thank you for sharing.

I wonder what made the composers write what they did.

We had to talk our Daughter into going with us to see it. She was totally convinced it would be "stupid" I believe she said... lol Turned out to be her all time favorite.

I like a lot of Celine's songs. Kinda sentimental fellow I suppose...