How do I ever get over losing my Ben

[sazz]

On sunday i had to say goodbye to my beloved Staffordshire Bull Terrier of nearly thirteen years, the pain i am feeling is undescribable.
Ben came to me when he was nearly 5 months old, My friend brought him and his brother when they were 8 weeks with the intention of bringing them up together.
Right from the first day of me meeting them Ben choose me, as soon as i entered the house he would be on my knee and licking my face, my friend said that when i was due to come over Ben would sit on the window sill waiting for me.
As they got older his brother became the dominant dog and started to pick on him, this was when my friend asked would i consider taking Ben , there was no hesitation on my part, as far as i was concerned he had already made his mind up, so i took this bundle of love home. I had lost my mum 3 years before and Ben helped ease my pain.
From day one he fitted into my life like it was ment to be, he slept next to me and was never more than one pace behind.
He grew into a dog that loved evryone and everything, anyone who met him fell instantly in love.
He helped me through alot of hard times and i was never more at ease than when i was cuddled up to him.
Ben develpoed epilepsy at the age of 5 but we managed and although the Veterinarian told me at the time that he wouldn't live past the age of 8 or 9 i was determined to love him more no matter what the cost.
My gran bless her used to laugh at him and say ' he's not a dog he's like a child' she couldn't have been more right.
Last year i met my new partner, one problem he didn't like dogs, i remeber telling him get used to it or find someone else because Ben gets put aside for no one.
Within 2 months Ben was as much a part of his life as he was mine, when we moved in together Ben became our baby who we loved unconditionally.
On Sunday i spent the day, just me and Ben and i remember telling him how he was mummys special little boy, when my partner came in from work we sat down to have dinner and Ben got on his blanket with his bone (as he always did) Ben then started to wretch and i immediatley thought he'd got it stuck in his throat, i tried to open his mouth to see if i could see anything, after an hour i decided to call the Veterinarian because i was worried that if it went any lower it would restrict his airways, they asked me to bring him in, when we got there the Veterinarian was more interested in the shape of his belly, i laughed and said he's always been a little pot belly (although he had lost a lot of weight recently).
The Veterinarian examined him and said he could feel something in his belly which didn't feel good, at this point i was getting angry i hadn't fetched him in because of that so why were they concerned.
After discussing things they said they would x-ray him so they could see if anything was stuck and assess what was in his belly.
At this point i was on my knees with him telling him to be a good boy and that mummy would be waiting for him (he hated the vets) as i walked out the door i turned round and he was looking up at me with his big brown eyes and saying goodbye mum ( this will haunt me forever).
We waited outside and then the Veterinarian called us back in, he put the x-rays up and poor Bens body was full of tumours.
The Veterinarian said that he didn't know how he'd managed this long with all them and certainly within the next 6 months that he would be in a great deal of pain and suffering, he then advised that given his current state the kindest option would be to let him go whilst he was asleep from the anathestic.
There was one thing i always stated that i would never let my little boy suffer. In my confused state of mind i agreed and as he passed i held on to him while my world fell apart.
Now i can't forgive myself, 'what if he hadn't had his bone' 'What if i just took him home' 'What if he was scared without his mum' 'What if he wasn't ready to go' 'What if i hadn't took him to the vets'.
Now i'm not sure how to carry on with my life, it feels so empty, i close my eyes and i see him looking up at me, i go to bed at night and can't sleep because i can't hear him snoring on his bed next to mine.
The flat seems so empty and i ache to hear him pattering about. I would give anything just to hold him and say goodbye once again.
Everyone that knew Ben has said that he couldn't have been more loved by anyone and that fate plays a hand in these things, and taht now he knew that i was happy and settled he choose his time.
I just wish i could belive that but at the moment i feel that i made the wrong decision and i let him down when he needed me most and i don't think i can ever forgive myself.
Sarah

[latergatorj]

Dear Sarah:

I'm very sorry for your loss. Your Ben was a beautiful dog. What you went through with your Ben is truly heart breaking. Thank you for sharing your story.

I have been going through a similar loss of my own and I thought I'd give you some resources that you might find helpful.

There is a website devoted to pet grievers that might be of interest to you:
The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement

But you may prefer to join a local pet loss group that meets in person. Petloss.com - Pet Loss Support Groups

There is a wonderful book that I've been reading that has been helpful to me. It is called "The Loss of a Pet: A Guide to Coping with the Grieving Process when a Pet Dies," by Wallace Sife, PH.D. The author wrote it after he lost his own dog.

*Hugs* Please know you're not alone with your strong feelings of loss for your Ben. Please take care of yourself and just take it one day at a time.

With sympathy,
Jackie

[jdpooh]

I am so terribly sorry about you losing Ben. I have 2 am staffs, the male is going to be 5yrs old, Tobi and he is alot like Ben. He's my shadow, everywhere I go he must be by my side and I love him more than I can say. MY older dog, a mastiff/shepard mix, was diagnosed last week with cushings. Pooh is Tobi's best firend and he of course knows something is wrong. My other pit is a female, Tori Jane, who I rescued--she is so different from Tobi, a bundle of energy and joy, nothing of the quiet stoicism of Tobi. She will be 3 this summer and keeps us all young. I don't what I would do without any of them, finding out Pooh is so sick has made for a really hard week--the treatment for Cushings is brutal and I don't want her to have to go through such harsh times. Again, know with the passing of time another canine heart will reach out to you and ask for and need your love. In memory of your Ben, take care, Jill, Poohbear, Tobi and Tori